Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is the big day, the 2012 presidential election. When you head to the voting booth tomorrow I want you to think about voting for a different kind of candidate, a better kind.
This is Vermin Supreme. This is not his first bid for the presidency, but I assume it will be his last, because when he is elected the people will love him so much that they will just name him president for life. He is running under the platform of his Free Pony Party.
This Jimmy McMillan. He is the founder of his own party for which he is also running for president, The Rent is Too Damn High Party. These candidates are already shaking up the political system with their tickets; each is running as the other’s vice president in their respective presidential runs. I have included a video below of the two talking about their 2012 presidential plans.
Vermin Supreme has a 4 point plan for this nation:
- Mandatory tooth brushing laws
- Zombie preparedness
- Fully-funded time travel research
- Free ponies for all Americans
Interviews with Supreme reveal that he plans to switch over to a pony-based economy, therefore lowering our dependence on foreign oil, reducing pollution, creating agriculture growth by increased manure/fertilizer stocks, and most of all creating jobs. He believes in brushing laws to create strong teeth for a strong America.
As for McMillan, it is clear that he is aware of the plight of the average American. He seeks to lower the rent. It’s just too damn high. He also cares about social issues. For instance, he voiced support for marriage equality stating, “If you want to marry a shoe, I’ll marry you.”
Unfortunately, both candidates have been for the most part ignored by the “shave-stream media.” Both the Obama and Romney campaigns refuse to acknowledge them. Even when asked directly about Vermin Supreme in the video below, VP candidate Paul Ryan blatantly dodges the question. It is clear that the Democrat and Republican parties are afraid of these new bearded political parties gaining prominence.
Both candidates have significant experience with political campaigns. McMillan first ran for Mayor of New York City in 1993, then Governor of New York in 1994, US Senate in 2000, Mayor of New York City in 2005, Governor of New York in 2006, Mayor of New York City in 2009, and Governor of New York in 2010. Supreme hit the ground running with his political career in 1988, when he ran for Mayor of Baltimore, Maryland; Mayor of Detroit, Michigan; and Mayor of Mercury, Nevada all in the same year. He also ran for president in 2000, 2004 and 2008. Both candidates have lost every race. So far.
Men of weaker conviction might have given up after so many defeats, but that is not what men with beards do. Fellow Pioneer of Bearddom Abraham Lincoln had a road to the presidency absolutely rife with failure:
- 1832 Ran for state legislature – lost.
- 1838 Sought to become speaker of the state legislature – defeated.
- 1840 Sought to become elector – defeated.
- 1843 Ran for Congress – lost.
- 1848 Ran for re-election to Congress – lost.
- 1854 Ran for Senate of the United States – lost.
- 1856 Sought the Vice-Presidential nomination at his party’s national convention – got less than 100 votes.
- 1858 Ran for U.S. Senate again – again he lost.
- 1860 Elected president of the United States.
Think of what the world would be like if Lincoln had given up. Follow your bearded dreams. Don’t quit. Who knows? Maybe one day you and your beard will be president. Whether you vote The Rent is Too Damn High or Free Pony Party on November 6, a vote for beards is a vote for a better tomorrow.
This is No Shave November.