Tycho Brahe

Aside from having an awesome name, Tycho Brahe was just an all-around awesome dude (as you probably already guessed after looking at that monster beard/stache combo). To be honest, I’m not even sure where to start.

Tycho was an astronomer in the late 16th century. In fact, he was the last great astronomer in the time before Galileo’s telescope was invented. This means that he made all of his observations with only the naked eye…and his beard.

Before his time, people believed that the celestial bodies were permanent and unchanging, so in 1572 when a supernova created a bright new star people believed it was basically a tailless comet that was actually stuck inside our atmosphere. Tycho not only showed via MATH that they were celestial bodies, but also developed by far the most accurate and abundant astronomical data of his time and created an early model of planetary motion. How did he do it all without telescopes? He was born with a special gift. His beard was ultra-sensitive to the gravitational pull of the stars and planets, thus allowing him to record very precise measurements.

One with the universe.

Aside from being a genius astronomer, Tycho Brahe was Danish nobility, so he was pretty rich. Much like fellow Beard Pioneer Mr. T, Tycho loved bling.

“Stars aren’t the only thing that shine.” -Tycho Brahe

While studying at a university at age 20, he decided to take his bling to a whole new level. At a professor’s wedding dance, he picked a fight with some other dude over who had the better mathematical formula. Since neither could prove the other wrong, they decided to have a duel. This of course was just an elaborate excuse for Brahe to allow his own nose to be chopped off by his opponent, just to show that he didn’t give a crap. He then proceeded to go out and get several removable noses made, the most notable ones being made of gold and silver. Bling bling.

And you thought grillz were gangsta.

As if having a golden hood ornament on your beard wasn’t enough to qualify you as a party animal, Tycho Brahe literally owned a party animal. He owned a tamed moose. You read that correctly, a moose that liked to party. How hard did Tycho party with his moose? One night the moose got so drunk that it fell down a flight of stairs and died.

“Oh man, how much did I drink last night?”

Tycho’s hard partying eventually led to his own death as well. While at a banquet in Prague, he refused to relieve his bladder during the party (known in modern terms as “breaking the seal”) because this would have been against proper banquet etiquette (known in modern terms as a “party foul”).

When he got home he realized that he couldn’t urinate at all. Then his bladder basically exploded and he died. In 2010, a team of scientists dug up his body and did a bunch of science on it and revealed that he had been poisoned with extremely toxic levels of mercury, either intentionally by a member of 16th century PETA activist upset about the party moose, or perhaps unintentionally by his body absorbing mercury from the obscene amount of metal on him at all times in his bling.

“Haters gonna hate.”

Regardless, I think we can all agree that he and his beard were awesome.

This is No Shave November.

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