Father Time

“This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town
And beats high mountain down.”
-Gollum, of The Hobbit

The answer to the riddle is of course Time. Father Time has been a part of human lore for, well… a long time. He is a figure that represents time’s perpetual forward movement. And of course, he has a beard. Through this post, I plan to put forth a hypothesis that explains the true nature of Beard Power, as well as the very existence of the universe.

Father time is loosely based on Chronos, the Greek god of time. He represents the division between past, present, and future. In essence, the Greeks believed that he was the “force” within the universe that moved time forward, creating cause and effect. He was one of few gods not believed to have an actual “physical presence” within the universe. In modern terms we might associate the things he represented with the Spacetime Continuum. Many people think of this as the “fabric” of time and space. Like any fabric, it must be made of some sort of thread-like material…

Like beard hairs, perhaps.

Like Chronos, Father Time is the personification of time and space. By that regard it could be argued that Mother Nature is the personification of matter and energy. The two of them don’t really make much sense by themselves. What is time if there is no matter causing effects in sequence? What is matter if it doesn’t exist somewhere? If you read my blog regularly you understand that it is a well documented fact that women find beards attractive. Mother Nature is no different.

Nearly 14 billion years ago, the two met. The circumstances remain a mystery; maybe God set them up on a blind date, I don’t know. Whatever happened, they met. And when Mother Nature got one look at that beard… Well, I’m sure you’ve heard of the “Big Bang.”

And trust me, it was HOT.

So there you have it. Beard Power can be explained by the simple fact that the very fabric of time and space is made of the woven strands of Father Time’s eternal Beard. You owe your entire existence to the fact that Mother Nature was all about that beard. Can I prove this theory? No. But ask yourself this: how else can you explain beards being so awesome?

You just can’t.

You’ve been great fans this November and I hope I have entertained each and every one of you. I’d like to thank all my friends and family for supporting this website. This month we got over 6,000 views, which gives the site a grand total of almost 14,000 views all-time. If you haven’t donated yet (see button on the right), I urge you to please do so. The Movember Foundation funds research for cancer treatments and health awareness programs. It’s a small goal, but I’d like to raise $50. Your donation could be the one that puts us over the limit.

It’s what Honest Abe would have wanted.

Though the month is over and many people among us will now shave their hard-earned beards and mustaches, all is not lost. Time marches on, and November will come again next year, hairier than ever. So until then…

This has been No Shave November.

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