Chapter 1: The Early Universe

No one can say for certain the true origin of our universe. For thousands of years, religions have attempted to explain our existence through stories passed down from ancient times. Chinese, Egyptian, and Greek creation stories detail the Earth emerging from a state of Chaos, often times in the form of a Cosmic Egg, bursting apart into the Earth and sky. Many of these accounts revolved around deities that personified natural elements and cultural memes and values. Many such deities had beards.

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Greek: Zeus

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Norse: Odin

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Pagan: Pan

 

More recent Christian, Jewish, and Islamic ideologies share a narrative of a single divine (likely bearded) creator forming a paradise for humans, but later casting them out for eating his forbidden fruit on the urging of a great deceiver in the form of a talking snake or perhaps of the embodiment of evil itself.

You may have noticed that the embodiment of evil is beardless.

You may have noticed that the embodiment of evil is beardless.

All we know for sure is what we can observe in the present. As we try to understand the universe through scientific exploration, leading astrophysicists agree that Beard Power is ingrained in the forces that govern our universe, like gravity or electromagnetism. Tell me if you see a pattern here:

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Did you spot it? Albert Einstein did. He devoted his life to finding a unified theory of everything, a sort of “equation of the universe,” if you will.

He had already found the equation for dashing good looks: 8^{0 = s3(x)y

He had already found the equation for dashing good looks: 8^{O = s3(x)y

Despite promising his first wife to give her all the prize money if he ever won a Nobel Prize (which he did, duh, he’s Einstein) just so she would agree to divorce him so he could go marry his cousin, Einstein was a pretty smart dude. Historians continue to debate what year he grew his mustache, but I believe the answer is obvious: he grew it in 1905, a year that later came to be known as Annus Mirabilis or Einstein’s Miracle Year. As a nobody 26-year-old working at the patent office in 1905, he cranked out 4 Earth-shattering papers detailing the Photoelectric Effect, Brownian Motion, Special Relativity, and Mass-energy Equivalence–essentially laying the foundation of modern physics.

By comparison, the only thing the average 26-year-old today remembers from high school physics is that one day when the teacher was too hungover to teach so he let us “learn about aerodynamics” by making paper airplanes.

Learning is fun.

Learning is fun.

But I digress. The point of all this is that while great strides have been made by scientists wielding facial hair, the mystery of Beard Power and the origin of our own existence yet remains largely unknown. In fact, we may never know. However, as we’ll see tomorrow, things in the universe begin to take a strange turn when a nearby star explodes, the aftermath of which will lead to the creation of our own home planet.

Tomorrow: Early Planet Earth

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